I Didn't Mean To
by BlueSugar
Summary: I couldn't breathe. I needed to get out. Get away from everything and everyone that was suffocating me. I didn't want to think of the future. The future frightened me. So I ran. I ran into the greatest adventure of my life.
1. Beginnings

Hey everyone so this is my first story in a looong time so please read and make sure to leave a review so I can tell what you think! Can't improve if I don't have any notes now can I? This first chapter may be a bit of a bore but it's only the intro and I wanted to get my feelers out there to hear what you think so here we go!!

_**Intro**_

I stared at the clock again. 12:39. It had only be 6 minutes since the last time I had checked. I sighed as I sat up knowing that sleep had once again decided to leave me wanting tonight. The silence of the room did nothing to help calm me. I didn't like the silence. It gave me time to remember what I didn't have. It hadn't always been like this. There had been a time when I was genuinely happy. Before, the silence was a welcome reprieve from the excited and chaotic life that I lived. But again that was before..now it just taunts me. Laughing at me silently from the depths of the shadows that filled not only my room, but what seemed to be my soul.

I know your probably sitting here reading this thinking, 'Is this girl insane? What is she doing on about?' Give me a moment and I will explain. My name is Michelle Tenny and I am twenty years old. God, when I say that it makes me feel like I'm standing in front of a group getting ready to announce some sin that I have committed. But back to my explanation. For the past ten years or so I have lived with my family in a small town located in the southern state of South Carolina. It was this town that introduced me to friends that helped give me the confidence and strength to do just about anything. It all started when I got employed at the electronic store that I'd been dying to work at for a while. I had been sixteen. I met Stefanie first. She was a bubbly blond with the personality of a firecracker. Easy to get along with as well as easy to tick off. The came Jason. He was tall, blond, and had the patience of a saint! No matter what we (Stefanie and I) did it never seemed to phase him. These two quickly became my best friends. We did everything together. Getting lunch, going to movies, shopping for bras (Yes ladies Jason tagged along for that too!) It hurt when Stef moved back to New Jersey to be with her father and Jason did his best to cheer me up. We hung out more and we became alot closer. We would get together and sit in the dark, having intense conversations about everything. Life, music,  
the probability of alternate universes that if in our world we chose oj, then in the other we chose milk. Everything. The darkness was our comfort zone. It was just us. No yelling customers, no drunk friends hanging off us, no blaring music. Just us. We came to know alot about each other. We knew each other inside and got to the point where if something was wrong, we could tell. We didn't have to talk to each other to know. We just did. We grew together, taking life in strides. Sometime we were walking,  
sometimes we were running, and sometimes it seemed as though life decided to shove us down some gigantic cliff that made us feel as though we were on a rollercoaster that went one way. Down.

Weeks, months and finally years were spent together making us stronger as individuals and as friends. Family. He encouraged my dream of music and took me out to night clubs with open mike night and karaoke. We were almost inseparable. Of course every now and again we would bump heads and we would try to wait until the other would admit they were being a dumb ass but we would always end up laughing about it days, if not minutes later.

I had been at work when it happened, the feeling coming over me quickly. It was the same feeling when I got when something was wrong with Jason. Only now it was worse..much worse. My coworker Jennifer could tell something was wrong. She quickly informed the manager that I was sick and I left in a hurry to get home so that I could call Jason. It felt like I had fallen into a pool of needles. Thousands of tiny knives stabbing into me, deeper and deeper. Painful and numbing. I couldn't feel anything but the pain and shock. I fell to the floor the phone slipping out of my hand. I could hear the voices of my parents asking me what was wrong. I could hear their voices sounded muffled, far away, as if they were on the phone and had covered the mouthpiece with a sock. They were yelling. Asking me if I was ok. What was wrong? I couldn't say anything. The room began to blur together and I succumbed to the sweet embrace of darkness.

The funeral had been lovely but that was all wasted on me. The entire time I couldn't look up from the polished wood of his coffin. People had talked about what kind of person he had been. Had been. They had told stories about him. I said nothing. Everyone around me was crying into tissues or into the shoulders of loved ones. I did nothing. I had shut down. The pain of losing someone that seemed to complete me was unbearable so I chose not to deal with it. I focused instead on the grains and tried to follow them. I tried to find a pattern in the grain by mentally measuring the distance between each dark line in the wood. I remember looking up when the first measures of his favorite song began playing through the old speaker system of the church. I now hate that reminded me of something I no longer had and I silently counted the seconds until I would be free to leave this horrid place. Once the funeral was over I didn't go to the gathering with everyone else. I went home and sat in my room. I curled onto my bed and stared at the wall in unbearable silence until darkness fell.

I glance at the clock again as the memories leave me. 1:38 glares back at me in a bright blue light. I groan and finally pull myself from the sheets that had tangled themselves around me. I pull on a pair of jeans that are lying on the floor and search for my sweatshirt. I grab my ipod and stuff it in my pocket as I walk out the door, making sure to lock it behind me. As I pull the hoody over my head I glance up at the stars that illuminate night sky. I stick the ear buds into my ears and begin my walk down the street. Its not safe to be out walking this late, or early, but it helps calm me so I ignore the internal warnings to go back and continue walking. Eventually, after what seems to be forever I return home. As I walk back into my room I glance at the clock again and am slightly pleased to see the clock now says 4:02. I pull off the jeans and sweatshirt and fall back into the bed. This time sleeps claims me.


	2. Reflections

Ok guys I know that the first part HAD to be a bit of a drag for you but don't worry it will improve! Just tell me what you think so that the brain juices keep flowing!

Saredance thanks so much for your comment! It's nice to see someone responding to something that I'm still not completely sure about! Agh! Everytime I think about what I'm actually doing I get this nervous feeling and wonder if I should just stop, but then I remember how much fun it is and shrug it off! ^_^

Onward!

Reflections

The sound of the neighbor's lawnmower starting up reintroduced me to the world of light. I slowly forced myself to sit up and pushed the thought of cacooning myself within the mound of blankets around me out of my head. As I dragged myself out of the confines of bed the cool air of my room greeted and chilled my skin. Goosebumps formed on my arms and legs and I quickly raced into the bathroom, turning on the shower taps to prepare for a gloriously hot escape.

As I stood in the shower with the hot water racing over me, my thoughts began to wonder. Now, wondering thoughts are great when you need a creative boost or an impromptu escape from Calculus class but when the last thing you want to do is think, then any sort of thought is an evil thing. A curse that no matter how hard you try to escape seems to drag you back into the confines of hell. As my mind began to race over the events of the past three months I quickly forced the water to cold. Anything to get my mind off a single subject. As soon as the water got to the coldest level it could manage I turned the water off and just stood standing there. It was when the air around me chilled my skin even further, to the point that it was almost tortuous, that I finally exited and pulled a towel around me.

As I wrapped the warm fabric around me I caught sight of my reflection in the now clearing mirror. The glass had begun to clear from the hot steam and it now granted me sight of myself. Now I am not what you would call pretty. In fact if you were to ask me to describe myself in one word it would be 'Plain.' I stand tall at 5'10 and I suppose you could call me chubby.  
No not fat, I simply had a few pounds that were added on to the package. I don't think the added weight is too noticeable however due to the fact of my height. Thank God for even distribution. My face is on the fair side, with a slight hint of a tan. Eyes? Blue. Hair? Brownish/Reddish/Blondish. I don't think there is a proper way to describe my hair. I wish it would just pick a color and stick with it. People I worked with would constantly ask if I had dyed my hair and I would respond 'No, I just decided to let the blonde in me run wild today!' The one thing that I had ever really liked about myself were my lips. They were full and pouty with a natural pink tint. The reflection that I now faced was not what I remembered. My skin seemed paler, my eyes dull, and my hair seemed to have decided on a dirty, muddy brown.

I turn and exit the bathroom and shut the door behind me as I reenter the safety of my bedroom. I stop as soon as the click of the door shutting echoes in my ears. The image of my reflections flashes through my mind. I looked sick. I had lost weight, not enough to look like I had an eating disorder but enough to know that something was wrong. I had shadows under my eyes that looked as though they would never fade. My lips were pale and seemed thin, as if they were in a permanant grimace. A wave of emotion hit me as I stared at another face before me. There, on my dresser, stood the portrait of the person I had lost not long ago. The photo had been one of my favorites of him. His eyes were shining as they focused on the person behing the camera. His mouth was formed into a large grin that looked as though he had either just laughed or he was about to.

I couldn't help but let a tear fall. At the funeral I hadn't shed one, but now it seemed that all I had were tears. I hated it. I had never been one for sadness. I had alway had all the happiness that I needed. I had my music, my family, and Jason. Now I had seperated myself from my family, keeping myself at a distance, and I had no Jason.

I once again gave up on the thought of finally going outside and crawled back into the warm and comforting embrace of the bed.

Gravity has never been my friend. Ever. Five years old and I finally decide it's time for the big kid bike. Michelle? Meet ground.  
Seven years old and my father buys a swingset for the back yard. Michelle? Let me reintroduce you to ground. Eight years old and my father decides to add a playground to the back yard. Yes Michelle, it's time to once again introduce you to your good pall ground, and bandaids. It was a running joke in my family that if you hadn't had it happen to you, don't worry, it would happen to me instead.

So today was the day gravity decided to make itself know to me, again. I stared at the ceiling in shock as I lay on the carpet staring up. My heart was racing and I mentally did a physical check to make sure I was not injured. I wasn't. Now wide awake, I pushed myself off the floor and raced to the front door to greet the person that had caused me to have my oh so wonderful wake up call.

I inwardly groaned and externally smiled as I let my older brother in. He stared at me with a bit of humor in his eyes like he knew what had just occured.

"Good morning, Michelle! I just thought that me, being such a wonderful brother, would on such a wonderful day as this bring you the most wonderful news!" I stared at him wondering how many times he could fit the word wonderful into a sentence. He wasn't normally this chipper so I knew that either something big was going to happen or something was going to happen that I would not like. Most likely it was going to be a mixture of the two. I was not to be disappointed. 


End file.
